Is your marriage on life support? Should it be? Maybe you have been asking for changes for months or years, trying to get your spouse’s attention and begging them to make changes. Maybe you have told them to do something, to find a pastor, counselor, or coach, and been disappointed that they didn’t take any action.
If you are ready to give up hope – hold on!
Before you give up – before you throw in the towel, maybe there are ways that you can get your spouse’s attention.
In this episode, we look at a pattern where one spouse finally reaches out for help after the other spouse is done. They missed the desperate cry for help for years, only now to work on changes when it feels like ‘too little – too late’.
If we had a time machine, what would we tell the first spouse they could do to get the other’s attention earlier? How could they tell them how important it is without actually emotionally ending it all?
How did your spouse get your attention if your marriage was on life support at one time? Let us know in the comments!
Kate mentioned that Brad had the opportunity to preach a message at our church this past weekend. Here is the video if you want to check it out and see if it puts you to sleep too!
2 Responses
I’d ask the question, is the spouse who makes the change for two weeks really sliding back, or have they taken to heart what the other said, and when they do what is asked, they do not see either improvement or even acknowledgement of the efforts.
It really can feel like a bait and switch. I.E. you said if I would/would stop do/doing XYZ, things will get better. I’ve been doing so for a period of time and I’ve witnessed neither improvement and not even acknowledgement.
So does the behavior stop because they one making the change isn’t committed or is it because he doesn’t see any fruit for the effort? I suspect it’s more often the latter.
If someone wants change and they’ve asked what they need to do, then do it, they can only do this for so long without any positive reinforcement.
It’s just more of the brick wall.
Eventually, one gets tired of beating their head on the wall.
The ending question, I communicated in all sorts of ways. I said things like this cannot continue in this fashion. I asked questions like was there ever a time when I was doing it right. It wasn’t like you were unwilling to talk with me, date me, etc before. So what changed?
When all you get is silence…
Or you ask them to commit to just one hour a day, no kids, no TV and they cannot even do that…
Eventually, she ran off and had an affair.
Sometimes, it really does depend on the spouse building the wall to tear it down. It doesn’t matter what you do if all she does is add another brick.
Like I said, eventually, after years, you just stop trying and go on to live a life. She can join you or not.
In my case, she chose to not join.
Her loss.
I’m sorry to hear your story of asking for change didn’t result in your spouse joining you on the journey. It looks like you tried to get her attention in several different ways, and they were not received eventually. The ONLY challenge I have with the “positive reinforcement” idea is SOMETIMES (and this might not apply to you), spouses feel like “I picked up the kitchen like you asked, where is my reward” is not doing it because you care for the person, but because you want a reward for doing “your part”. Given the rest of your story, I don’t think that is the case. But I wanted to add that comment here in case anyone else feels like they were not given a pat on the back after a few weeks of change.