The betrayal of unfaithfulness tears at the fabric of a marriage and leads every couple to ask, “is it possible to save my marriage?” There are no easy answers to this important question. In fact when people spout the easy answer they are most likely negating the hurt and pain that the betrayed spouse is experiencing. In this episode we will try to give you real answers that address the challenge, but also might give you some hope. Including some ideas on how you can move toward healing and if it is safe to do so.
Brad & Kate are presenting an intensive marriage conference on this topic in October 2022. Find out more at The Marriage Hub Digging Deeper Conference
3 Responses
Oh, men are blamed when their wives have affairs.
My (former) pastor asked me what I did to force my now ex-wife to have an affair.
The church often does a good job of blaming the victim. Instead of inviting her to come in, or go to counseling, or go through the church discipline process spelled out in Matthew 18, it was just what did you do to force her to have an affair.
Sort of the Ken Nair model, where women are only responsive, so if they are misbehaving, it’s due to some shortcoming of her husband. If he would get his life in order…
Or if he was only more like Jesus, how could she resist. Heck, most people who were around Jesus were able to resist him.
After having gone through it before, I doubt I’d try to win back an unfaithful spouse. It would take some pretty extraordinary actions on the part of my unfaithful wife to make the case that I should engage in a process of reconciliation.
I guess I wouldn’t see your team for coaching if most of your experience is with men who are betrayers instead of victims.
Men and women cheat in equal numbers. After all, men are not having affairs with other men, so the numbers of men and women are essentially equal.
I did go to therapy without her to be a better version of me.
I did find a whole host of unhealthy thinking and teaching in the church, such as the idea that men are more likely to cheat, which doesn’t stand even cursory logical examination.
The boundaries are key. My ex-wife must have been scared I’d seek to end child support in 2015 when our daughter wanted to come live with me. She went on and on about all manner of things regarding why it was a bad idea. I finally told her I don’t trust her. She wasn’t able to be open and honest when we were married and she had done nothing to rebuild that trust.
I’ve never heard from her since. I saw her when her dad, our daughter’s grandfather passed and at a soft opening of a shop our daughter is involved with the startup.
My life is so much more peaceful without her in it.
I spent years before the affair trying to get closer until I finally stopped pursuing because it was not working.
I’m not willing to drag anyone anywhere. If I were ever betrayed again, she would have about a nano-second to own it and own creating appropriate protections and boundaries against it happening again.
If there is even a hint of blaming me for her choices, she will find her suitcase on the porch. I aint doing that again.
I wonder if you see fewer betrayed men because one, when women cheat, it’s often an exit affair and she’s already decided the marriage is over, while it’s not as emotional for men. Second, many men don’t want to admit they are in this circumstance, so they are less likely to present. Finally, men may not trust the “Marriage Industrial Complex” as we get all manner of bad messages.
If you really want to address the other side, address situations where men are victims of walkaway wives.
You really missed this, and 2/3rds to 3/4s of marriages are ended by women, not men, so men may actually be MORE often the victim of a wife who abandons or betrays him vs the other way around.
Seems like you are treating something that is very common, perhaps even the most common scenario, the wife who walks away or unilaterally ends the marriage as an afterthought. Maybe 90 seconds of material about this, seriously?
Hi Tony, thanks for sharing of your experience as we each have a unique journey in marriage. We agree that the church has done much to hurt marriages over the years. Our hearts are to help have open and honest conversations about what the church should be doing and what it has missed or done wrong in the past. So we join you in that. I think that you may have missed our hearts in this episode if you think in any way that we were saying men are always the ones having affairs. We work with couples where the wife had been the one to have the affair as well as relationships where both have had affairs. Additionally, we did not, nor will we blame the spouse who did not have the affair for the one who was unfaithful. Once someone has stepped outside of the marriage, we can no longer address the issues in the marriage that both may think lead to the affair. Betrayel stops all of that and we can only deal with the betrayel and the humble repentance that is needed. Once a couple is in a place of healing can look back at different things. However when we do that it is never an excuse/justtification for someone to step outside of the marriage. We appreciate your perspective, thanks again for sharing.
Perhaps you missed what I was saying. After all, I don’t believe I used the word Always. Yet it was attributed to my comment.
I think you will find I did not use that word until this comment. Nor do I believe I used any synonym of the word.
I understood what you said, that you predominantly or more often (not always) see men as the unfaithful party.
I gave reasons why you may not see as many men.
If I was unclear, I apologize. I simply want to make sure that you understand what I said and understand that I did not say nor imply always in my comment.
I get the impression you perceived an always that wasn’t there.